Great time catching up with old friends until I lost my rag at the point when they tried talking sense into me by saying I shouldn’t sell my flat until I am totally sure I want to leave. This somehow suddenly enraged me…. I ended up saying I hated England, the English, and the rest of it.. It just came out.. I suddenly felt so much rage. Irrational but very real rage. I really don’t like rage…
At present, I strongly feel like I have no other choice but leave but I also know that this feeling of despair is rooted deeper than my relationship with England….. instead of talking it over like a normal person, I ended up screaming how much I hated England, that I just want to leave and never look back…. Stupid. Not true.
Firstly, I don’t hate England. On the contrary, in fact. What I hate is what’s been going on in the last few years. England is becoming smaller, angrier, more confused, scared, uncertain… like ex Yugoslavia was. That’s what I hate. Having to ‘recycle’ those thoughts, which I can’t really share with my friends here because it all sounds (rightly) a bit mad and far fetched…. this, in turn, makes me want to scream more. Then realise I am being a twat…how can I expect someone who has always lived in the UK to understand what my thoughts are associated with?
Living in Albania is going to be very scary… and lonely.. and weird.,… but I am simply tired of having to explain who and why I am. Why do people care so much about these things?? I am a Londoner and a Pejon… I’d like to think I don’t give a shit about countries but perhaps I do more than I admit.
Why is the world becoming so stupid.? Again!
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